"Listen lady, in my county I was a schoolteacher.", "Oh Yeah? and in this country you wash my bras!" - Karen to Rosario on Will & Grace

Today is the start of a new day.  Language Course 2.0.  I'm rebooting everything and this time around I will study and make sure and take it more seriously.  I will be going to the Goethe Institut this afternoon to talk to an administrator, take a tour of their facility just to make sure Im not getting myself into a situation by surprise.  My last day of class at the current school was yesterday and it was sorta fun.  A lot of my classmates are heading back to their countries.  4 of them are going to continue on with the school.  One of them is the Palestinian, and I dont think we will be lifelong friends.  Before I begin this next story, I wanted to first give a caveat:  I am not racist, but when I think somebody is saying something very offensive I will dish right back at them and be a total hag (like you all know that I can be).  Yesterday, my Thai classmate Nicha brought her husband to class, before class started, to introduce him to us.  He's a little older, German and nice.  Nicha then excused herself to walk him back outside.  Francisco, my classmate from Mexico asked in a general sort of way, if he "bought" her.  That pissed me off because a) it's an Asian stereotype to have a mail order bride and b) as an Asian, I hate it when people think we only clean your hotel rooms or get married to a white man...but I digress.  I looked at Francisco and said to him:

I dont know, did you swim here?

What do you mean?  I dont understand...

Did you swim to Germany and enter the country illegally?  Isnt that what a lot of Mexicans do to enter a country?

Well he looked at me and I knew he wanted to punch me in the face, and to tell you the truth, I was in the mood for a fight but a little scared (hes a big guy).  He then said, that she looks like the kind of person who you would see on the internet.  At that point I told him to just shut up because we dont know their story is and it just wasnt a nice thing to say.  To say there was tension was an understatement.  I think I got a little brave because it was my last day of school and I knew I wouldnt be seeing him again.  I certainly couldnt be a diplomat.  I would start a war asap.  Otherwise, class ended early yesterday, we all took pictures and I said my goodbyes to the people I've spent the past month with. It's been a lot of fun.  I will be keeping in touch with my classmates Nicha, Manisha and Maria Laura as they will be in the country for a while and hope to get together one of these nights.

"Remember, there is no "I" in Team America". (Pause) -" Yes There Is..." - from the movie Team America

So today is my last day of school before I move to the new one next week (hopefully - thats another story altogether).  I've met some very interesting people in class and for the most part have been very nice.  There is one person in class though who has been such a pain in my ass.  He's Palestinian and he always makes snide remarks about the US and its politics.  I do not profess to be anywhere up to speed with foreign policy but I can hold my own with an argument.  We were doing role playing yesterday and the teacher assigned us roles.  For some perverse reason, she assigned the Palestinian (named Raja) the role of George Bush.  You would have thought he was assigned the role of Satan and he vehemently didnt want to play the role and suggested that I do so instead since I was the American.  I asked him in class during the middle of everything what he has against Americans and he went into a tangent about the not liking us, or politics etc...I told him, that I did not vote for Bush the first time or the second time and mentioned that our foreign policy has been atrocious since the current administration has been in office hoped that change will come with the upcoming elections, blah blah blah, but he kept saying such harsh things.  I finally snapped and asked him what brand of clothes he was wearing and other accessories he had on him.  The laundry list:  He had an Ipod, and Eastpak backpack and Lucky jeans.  I was guessing his underwear was Calvin or something.  I told him:

If you dislike my country so much then I suggest you reconsider what you have on and what youre listening to as Im know the things you have are American brands...

He looked at me like I was the biggest dick in the world and for a moment thought he was going to follow me home and do a jihad on my ass...oh well.  My Thai classmate Nicha broke the tension by saying - I rove everyone, brack or white, I rove Michael Jackson when he was brack but no more because he rooks white!

I cracked up and died.  She says the funniest shit at the drop of a hat and told her later in the day and thanked her for that.  I will be keeping in touch with her.

"They Sent Me to Hell...I'll Teach Them What I learned There!" - Lili in the TV movie Lace

So this is the last week before school ends.  As I mentioned in my last entry, I so dont care anymore and will most likely not show up for the final exam this Thursday.  Im currently have feelers out to two other schools and we'll see how those go.  My friend Anastasia who lives in Wiesbaden sent me a weblink for English speaking jobs.  I will be looking at those and see how well I do, but the only job I Im qualified for at the moment with my language skills, involves pushing a cart in a hotel corridor and saying...housekeeping?  Clean your room?  I have no idea why Im saying this to myself with an asian accent.  Anastasia is pretty funny.  As I mentioned before, She's a Danish national living in Germany.  She used to have a great job working for UNICEF, now she works for Nestle.  She said the ironic thing was that she used to work for an organization which provides relief and help for children around the world, now she works for a company which provides additives, sugar and preservatives for children all around the world...

So the school gave all of us an evaluation form to fill out on Friday.  Boy oh boy, it was like getting a Christmas present early!  My pen spewed so much venom and acid when writing my comments that I was afraid it would bore a hole through the table.  I even printed my name if they wanted to talk to me.  Dont get me wrong.  It wasnt a complete bitchfest.  I did write some recommendations which they should keep in mind for future administrative requirements.  I couldnt help it.   It was the meeting planner in me.  I finally got my new cellphone this weekend.  I will send out that number via email.  Slowly but surely I'm integrating...

Day of Wine and Roses (but no Cocaine)

Hi Folks,  Sorry for the lack of posts.  Things have been busy around here.  Last week was a flurry of activities with school. I have been a little stressed out with classes as I feel as I dont feel as I have a grasp on the language.  I dont have problems understanding things but the verbalization part is just not there.  Partly, Im a little intimidated with speaking in public and looking stupid and also i cant seem to piece together simple sentences.  On top of that, I think Im starting to lose my ability to speak English.  I have to think for a moment for the correct word I would like to use.  The other day, I forgot the word for cashier.  I kept telling B we had to go to the person over there, the one who takes our money...you know, the one...to PAY!  It's a little disconcerting.

We took a long weekend and went to Wiesbaden, about 2 hours away south of Dusseldorf, near Frankfurt to visit B's friends Anastasia and Anders - both are Danes.  Anders works at Fortis Bank and speaks 5 languages and Anastasia works for Nestle and speaks 3.  Both are very nice, funny people and I met them previously last year when we were in Denmark during my sabbatical from work.  We also went down there to watch Eric Clapton in concert with them and do a little shopping and the local wine festival.  First of all, the concert SUCKED ASS...all of us agreed, but for various reasons.  He didnt sing any of his well known songs...how the hell can you NOT sing Cocaine?  and the venue sucked.  It was an open area in a park right in the middle of the city and the event planners for this concert didnt think things through:

the big screens on either side of the stage was the size of a bed sheet tied to a tree

they didnt put barricades in front of the stage so when Clapton sang Layla, everyone bummed rushed the stage and threw things at Eric Clapton (panties mostly), and the polizie were pushing people back.  It was like a riot.  Its pretty funny to see 40+++ people running to the stage and trying their best to shake and shimmy...

They didnt put barriers around the open area so anyone who didnt pay to go the concert could go to their house, bring a chair and sit outside to watch what was going on inside

The area is not on a hill, so people couldnt see the stage (or screen for that matter). so if you were less than 6' you were screwed (I sure was).  

As a former meeting planner, I was pissed as these things should have been taken care of.  They should have hired InVision...

We all proceeded to leave the venue after 1 hour and drank at a bar nearby and just listen to the music.  Wiesbaden is crawling with Americans as there is a huge military base in the area.  Of the 600,000 residents of the city, 20,000 of them are Americans.  One thing I have noticed about Americans, we are LOUD people.  In restaurants, the hotel we were staying, just LOUD in general.  And obnoxious.

Oh well...I have a final exam next week for school and it is not looking good.  I worry that I will not pass this test then I realize, what the hell am I worried about?  If I dont pass, its not like it  goes on my GPA or my official transcripts.  Besides, I,m going to a new school anyway...

I will write more later....

"Engrish!! Engrish Onry You Stupid Retard!!!!" - Mr. Howard, the Japanese expat talking to his daughter, in Drop Dead Gorgeous

We took a much needed break this weekend and drove to Antwerp,  a city both B and I have never been to.  Very nice.  The one thing we forgot to bring was a camera, but B took a picture of this statue by the harbor that shall we say, when looked at a different angle, appears to be a rather stern man offering his d*'k to two rather scared boys kneeling before him. I promise to post it once B sends it to me.  We kept calling the statue The Gimps.  The city is fairly close to Dusseldorf.  It took only 2 hours to drive there.  We walked around the city center, had a nice leisurely lunch and dinner.  Our main agenda item was to go to the Flea market on Sunday to search for a chandelier and a base for the marble table in the entryway.  We found both on Saturday  but the stores were already closed.  Unfortunately it started to rain really hard all day Sunday so we just packed our bags and drove home.  The one good thing is since Im no longer on vacation, we can go back again and see what the city has to offer and not feel rushed about when we will be going.

I have class this afternoon and havent done my homework.  I asked B if we can have  German night two nights of the week wherein we speak nothing but German, that way, Im not using English as a crutch all the time.  We'll see how that goes, especially when he'll have to start talking to me langsam (slow)...more later!

"Dont fuck with me fellas, this isn't my first time at the rodeo..." - Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest

OK, Im going to admit this but I kind of had fun in school today.  It wasnt as hard as the past few days.  I am getting used to the rhythm of the language and am starting to understand the gist of questions and such. Im not that great with answering back but at least I understand whats going on around me.  I forgot to mention what happened yesterday.  As you all know, I havent given up the fight to change to a morning class.  I met with an administrator AGAIN and it went something like this:

I would like to change my class to the morning and was told to come back today for a status

You cant

Why

The classes are filled

Why should I be penalized by taking an afternoon class when my course was paid 2 months in advance, I took my placement test a week earlier than others, etc, etc,etc...

Well you were placed in the afternoon class because you had a few points on your test...(at this point I didnt let her finish and said)

Excuse me.  I didnt have ANY POINTS on my test.  Pull if up right now and you will see that my test is BLANK!

At this point she started back tracking and I basically said that I wanted to speak to the head of the school and lo and behold I met with him 10 minutes later.  He explained that he couldnt put me in a morning class now but would guarantee that I would be placed in a  morning class next month.  I told him I wanted it in writing.  He said, he was a man of his word and would do it and I told him that I expect it to happen otherwise we would be having another meeting next month and that it would not be a pleasant conversation. 

 I was calm, didnt raise my voice but GODDAMN was I pissed over the overall administrative handling of my paperwork.  I will still move to another school but I wanted to get the satisfaction of having customer service turn out all right.  It was a matter or principle at this point.  Its too bad really as I like the teachers that I have had.  They have been patient and the class has been not too dreary.  The 4 hours each day pass quickly.

on more pleasant news, B has felt so badly for me for the past few days as he's seen how upset and pissed I have been that he suggested that we take an overnight trip either to Amsterdam or Antwerp this weekend so we can just relax...it would be a nice trip to take as we can go shopping for things for the apartment.  Im on the search for a chandelier for the entry hall.  B is currently in Munich and comes back Friday evening so I didnt cook tonight and just ate a pizza and watched an old episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer on Sky TV....I miss the Hellmouth...

"Tess, who makes it happen? " "I do...", "that's right, and only then do we get what we deserve..." - Katharine Parker in Working Girl

Folks, before I begin this next entry, I just wanted to let you all know that I do not mean to be complaining lately and some of you might wonder if i have made the wrong decision coming here, rest assured that I have not.  This has just been a very trying week for me and very frustrating as professionalism and order have been thrown out the window and absolute chaos reigns in the streets.  A little melodramatic I know, but it´s just the way I'm feeling right now.  It will work its way out in the end.  I love living here, being with B and look forward to learning more about the culture and integrating more.

Soooo, to go back to what happened today, I made up my mind that I will have to look for a new school to learn German.  Something more compatible for my needs (age group, class setting and administrative requirements).  Class was fine today.  There was a Russian girl I was paired up with today who was barely 22 and didnt speak a lick of English and for that matter German so our communication was a little stilted.  I had to resort to pantomine in order to get my points across (likewise with her).  At least the odor in the classroom has gone away, but I think it's just because I am no longer sitting next to the person who was causing it.  She sat on the other side of the room...more later...

"Springtime for Hitler and Germany...Winter for Poland and France..." - from the movie, The Producers

PART TWO

So I get to my class around 1:50 PM and the room is empty.  I was sure that they were late getting back from the zoo or something, Im waiting and waiting and waiting and finally someone told me that the class is across the hall.  This is the kind of shit that has been driving me crazy.  its the little details that people are not catching. I guess it is a throwback from my days as a meeting planner.  I cant stand it.  There are 12 of us in the class.  2 of them I know from our placement test last week, Manisha and Maria Laura (India and Argentina respectively), the rest are Russians, one from Angola, one from Bosnia, two from Israel, one from Thailand and me.  We're a Benetton Ad.

The classroom itself is depressing.  No AC and reminds me of  an East German interrogation room.  I half expect the hounds to be released as soon as we are dismissed.  Our instructor is a lady by the name of Annette (pronounced An-ne-ttah).  While I mentioned in my previous post that the average look of the instructors seem to come from the Gap, she stepped out of the Army Navy Surplus Store by way of the Dress Barn.  I guess one has to be comfortable while teaching.  Which I dont blame her as the classroom was rather warm.  I made a mental note to dress down the next day.  As the temperature rose in the room, so did the faint smell of body odor.  I need to bring a little jar of Vicks with me and put it under my nose like Clarice did in the Silence of the Lambs when they examined the dead body.  

I forgot to mention that the youngest person in class is FIFTEEN years old?  I was bummed as it made me and the Thai lady the oldest students in the class.  There was one funny incident in the classroom...we were doing an exercise of who, what where with pictures and we were placed  in small groups.  The pictures consisted of famous people, places  and things that are specific to Germany.  Well as we were going through the exercises, the Thai lady next to us,           says really loud, where is Hitler?  and I just busted out laughing  because it was so inappropriate.  The Instructor looked at her shocked and I then looked at the at the two people from Israel to see what their reaction would be...I know, it was not right for me to laugh but for those people who know me, I was the person who laughed when my friend fell down a flight of stairs and she looked kinda funny with her leg all messed up...sorry Heather!

Well I go back to class today at 2 PM but am meeting with an administrator to see if I can change my schedule to the morning.  Im not giving that up without a fight...I was a total bitch to an administrator yesterday when I was talking to her about it.  More updates!

Smells Like Teen Spirit

PART ONE

I am not laughing anymore...I went to school today to get my class schedule and stumbled into a music video by Nirvana.  The building was crawling with young adults whose median age had to be 25 (and bathing seems to be an option).  My friend Mae wrote me an email a few weeks ago stating that she was officially old as she went to a Journey concert and everyone in the audience was her age.  I felt the same way today.  Im not saying I'm ultra hip or anything  but I like to pride myself in at least knowing a lot of aspects of popular culture, but can someone explain to me why would you come to class wearing Mickey Mouse ears?  Am I missing some kind of youthquake symbol or subculture...oh and I wasnt dressed right.  For those of you who know me you have seen the way I dress in the office and at meetings, I stuck out like a sore thumb.  But damn, I miss wearing my clothes so I put on a nice shirt, a blazer, jeans and a pair of nice loafers.  Everyone else was in sweats, jeans and the like, you know, typical collegiate wardrobe....I dont give a shit...

I had to stand in a horrendously long line to find out my schedule and once again, the person asking me questions started talking in German.  ENGLISH PLEASE.  I know I'm being a bitch but I couldnt help it.  I found out that I had an afternoon class from 2-6 PM.  I wasnt happy.  One of the school administrators (Dilek is her name) saw me and called me over, and it went something like this:

Allan!  How are you, do you have the morning class?

 No, I have the afternoon...

That's too bad!  I do have an alternative for you...

Oh? (perking up...maybe theres a chance...) What is it?...

Well all the afternoon students are going to the zoo to enjoy the morning before going to class today...its like a getting to know you exercise...

(My inside voice  - ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME WITH THIS BULLSHIT?!?! and lady look up the word alternative in the dictionary, that is NOT an alternative, that is hell on earth.  Dante would be proud of you for creating another level)...Well, Id rather not.  I will go home and come back at 2 for the class.  I still have 5 hours to kill...

Are you sure?  It should be a lot of fun...

(My Inside Voice - Id rather gargle a glass full of razor blades while taking an acid bath and reading War and Peace in the original Russian)...thank you but no.  I just want to attend class and learn...

I guess all these activities are part of the uni culture for this school. I am way to old to be going to the zoo, eating cotton candy and pointing at the gorillas.  I almost lost my shit right there and almost went BMW on her (you remember, zero to bitch in 4.5 seconds).  Im still going to give this particular course a chance, but if things do not improve within the next month or so, I will have to talk to B in looking at taking classes with another language school such as the Goethe Institute, where I can be sure people my age are taking classes and my instructors are as unforgiving and harsh as the judges at the Nuremberg Trials.  The instructors I have seen so far all look like employees at The Gap...with a little bit of Colonel Klink thrown in...

So right now I am home.  I will have a little lunch then go back to uni at 1 PM.  Wish me luck!  I will write later today to tell you about the class itself...

The Ultimate Driving Machine

So today was the first day of school, or so I thought.  I arrived at university at 8:30 AM for my 9 AM class only to be told that our classes will start tomorrow due to continued placement testing for about 200 people.   What the hell happened to German efficiency?  To say I was annoyed was putting it mildly.   I'm like a BMW.  I can go from zero to bitch in 4.5 seconds and was ready to tell the school administrators that this was unacceptable, but B would have just told me that this is the way things are sometimes around here so I will have to get used to it.

So in short, I will start classes tomorrow at 9AM. Other than that,nothing has been going on.  We went to an outlet mall in the Netherlands on Saturday.  Before you think that it's all so exotic, the border is only thirty minutes away so it was a pretty quick trip.  The mall resembles any other mall you would see in the good 'ole US...the sink is finally fixed.  YAY!  No more washing dishes in the tub.

I will write more after I give you all the rundown of my first day of school.